To forgive or not to forgive that is the question.

Jesus has the answer.

Matthew 18:21-35

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had

happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Christians have a high ideal to live up to. It is not hypocrisy to be imperfect. We are human. It is hypocrisy if you profess to espouse the ideal and don’t believe in its virtue.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Don’t just walk away or sweep it under the rug.

Isaiah 55:7

Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

Repentance is recognized and rewarded. Once evil always evil is not the case. There is a way back to God.

Forgiveness. Jesus shed his blood to effect forgiveness.

How do we do?

It depends on who it is and what it was.

It is not a one-size fits all category. Often forgiveness is best dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

Things that don’t really injure us, it is really easy to forgive. If someone loses his balance and accidently bumps into you, that you can forgive in the next second. There was no harm and not intent to harm. Betrayals and acts of gross negligence are much more difficult to forgive. There are levels of forgiveness.

Women are generally believed to be more forgiving than men, due to their personality traits such as agreeableness and empathy, and their valuing relationships (Miller et al., 2008).

Comparing men and women in terms of multidimensional forgiveness and the way they experience this phenomenon. If forgive you so much, and not more. Or I don’t hold it against you, but it still keeps me up at night.

Most researchers agree that forgiveness is a complex construct. It involves cognitive affective motivational, decisional and interpersonal aspects. It is usually defined as a process of reducing negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward a transgressor.

You don’t want to get even or take revenge.

You might heal or affect forgiveness by evoking positive thoughts, feelings, and actions toward the harm-doer

What might affect your ability to forgive?

Personality traits, such as agreeableness neuroticism, religiousness, empathy, cognitive flexibility, rumination (Berry et al., 2005; Burnette et al., 2009; Chung, 2014), or narcissism. Many of these personality characteristics are usually gender-specific, which suggests that dispositional forgiveness might also differ depending on gender.

Toussaint et al. (2008) showed that for women, high levels of forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self, feeling forgiven by God, and seeking forgiveness significantly reduced the odds of major depressive symptoms, while for men, only forgiveness of self was a significant predictor of depression.[i]

Unforgiveness is like this poison lurking inside you. Leads to anger, bitterness and resentment.

Male self-construals are typically more independent, autonomous, distinct, and separated from others, while female self-construals are more interdependent, connected, and less differentiated from others.

For the more relational, female, forgiveness is a way to keep your world alive. You don’t want to cut off people from your circle of friends. Motivationally speaking, forgiving helps them maintain a connection to others. Men, “I don’t need you,” “Your actions to not impact me.” Therefore, I forgive you. Men can forgive because they will distance themselves from the transgressor.

Negative affect and emotions such as anger, shame, and guilt may impede the process of forgiveness, and less forgiving individuals tend to experience higher levels of bitterness, hostility, fear, anxiety, or depressive affect.

We expected that negative affect, anxiety and control of anger, of depression and of anxiety, would be significantly and inversely correlated with forgivingness, whereas positive affect positively correlated with the ability to forgive in both genders.

So, if you fly into a rage at the drop of a hat or think that the sky is falling and the world is going to go up in flames at any moment, you probably don’t easily forgive.

Results

Men showed higher levels of general forgivingness and more willingness to overcome unforgiveness, especially toward oneself and situations beyond anyone’s control.

Men, in general, don’t have so much emotion wrapped up in interpersonal interactions. Often, we can take them or leave them. Lowers our motivation to seek or make amends.

Women scored significantly higher in negative affect and anxiety. Men reported greater positive affect and emotional control, in particular the suppression of anxiety.

Gender differences were rather small to moderate in magnitude. women are less able to overcome unforgiveness toward themselves and situations, but not toward other people. There were no significant differences between women and men in positive facets of forgiveness.

Why weren’t women able to forgive themselves and any particular negative experience?

Their own failures and wrongdoings might be seen as disturbing the harmony with relevant others and threatening their positive self-portrait. Consequently, an interdependent self-construal makes

females prone to feel shame, which is negatively related to forgiveness, especially of self.

For interdependent individuals, it is important to control intense experiences of negative emotions, especially anger, because it threatens their selves (Markus & Kitayama, 1991). However, in the light of our findings strong emotional control makes forgiving difficult for women. In turn, control of anxiety was positively related to forgiveness in men.

Females need more self-forgiveness interventions, releasing anxiety and promoting more open expression of negative emotions in the way they are able to accept, for instance in constructive communication. Males need work on emotion regulation, especially controlling of anxiety and of anger.

Not in touch with our feelings. Having to deal with emotions and relationships aren’t our bag. We are doers, movers and shakers. Make a dent in the world.

Forgiveness should not be Greek to you

There are two Greek words that are used in the New Testament for forgiveness. One is the word charidzomai and the other is aphiemi. I think that God’s use of these words is perfectly crafted to apply to the human challenge of forgiveness.[ii]

The word charidzomai comes from the Greek word, charis, which means grace. It is used in Ephesians 4:31-32:

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving (charidzomai from charis) each other, just as in Christ God forgave (echarisato from charis) you.

The idea of forgiveness here is cancelling a debt. It is also illustrated in Luke 7 when a woman wiped Jesus’ feet with her tears. It happens because of grace.

We pick up the story after the woman has wiped Jesus’ feet in Luke 7:40-50 (ESV):

40 And Jesus answering said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he answered, "Say it, Teacher."

41 "A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 When they could not pay, he cancelled (from charis, in some translations it is translated “forgave”) the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?" 43 Simon answered, "The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled (from charis, in some translations it is translated “forgave”) the larger debt." And he said to him, "You have judged rightly." 44 Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. 46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven (from aphiemi) -- for she loved much. But he who is forgiven (from aphiemi)  little, loves little." 48 And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven (from aphiemi).” 49 Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, "Who is this, who even forgives sins?" 50 And he said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

So, the word translated forgiveness (charidzomai) can also be translated as cancelled because that is what happened with the debt.

Charidzomai is also used in Colossians 2:13-14 to speak of the debt paid by Christ when he died on the cross:

13 When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave (from charis) us all our sins, 14 having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross

Desiring the Good

First you have to know the good.

Socrates. You really think, Meno, that someone can know that something bad is bad, yet still desire it? Meno. Yes, of course.

Socrates. What do you think desiring is? When I desire, don’t I desire something to come my way, or happen to me? Meno. Yes, that’s it; what else could it be?

Socrates. So does a person think that the bad things that he desires to happen to him, will do good to anyone they happen to? Or does he know that they harm anyone they happen to?

Meno. Well, some think that bad things will benefit them, and others know that bad things will harm them.

Socrates. And do you believe that those who think that bad things will benefit them, know that those bad things are bad? Meno. No, I don’t believe that at all.

Socrates. So, isn’t it clear that when people don’t know that bad things are bad, they don’t really desire those bad things? Rather, what they desire is what they think are good things, though really, they are bad things. But if they are mistaken about those bad things and imagine that the bad things, they want are good things, then clearly, what they really desire is good things. Isn’t it? Meno. Yes, that might be right about the people you describe.

Socrates. What about those who (you say) desire bad things, and think that bad things harm the person who gets them? Surely, they know that they will be harmed by the bad things that they desire. Meno. They must know that. Socrates. But don’t they also know that when people are harmed, they are miserable in proportion to how much they are harmed? Meno. They must know that too.

Socrates. And aren’t those who are miserable, living badly? Meno. I would certainly say so. Socrates. Does anyone want to be miserable and live badly? Meno. I should say not, Socrates. 7

Socrates. Therefore, Meno, if there’s no one who wants to be miserable and live badly, then there is no one who wants bad things. For what is it to be miserable, if not to desire bad things and get them? Meno. It looks like you’re right, Socrates—nobody wants bad things.

CuLTIVATING A FORGIVING HEART

EPHESIANS 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

These words are spoken to Christians. We are supposed to emulate Christ, especially among ourselves. The outside world doesn’t have the same expectation.

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) That is how Jesus dealt with people who either didn’t know his message or refused to accept it.

Different forms of forgiveness. At the very least get rid of malice and resentment. Trust is a separate issue. People have to earn your trust. Some situations might be more strategic than others. If you have a family member, neighbor or co-worker, they are still going to be in your life after the infraction. It might pay to rehabilitate that relationship some. Others, you just might want to keep an arm’s length.

If the merchant down the street keeps shortchanging you, go to another store. There is no obligation to keep being abused. And his behavior should lose him some business. You don’t treat your customers that way.

Utilitarian. But life is that way sometimes.

In the Christian tradition that we have inherited, then, there is a two-stranded conception of forgiveness: forgiveness is both kindness and grace about wrongdoing, and also cancellation of wrongdoing.[iii]

With Jesus, He knew and understood that those who were wounding and crucifying Him were fulfilling God’s master plan of salvation through forgiveness for all who would believe in Him as the Son of God. That’s Jesus. We are not Jesus, so God may have a plan to use the injurious incident, but we don’t know it and can’t assume it. It might just be bad behavior and poor character.

Ultimately, Jesus’ forgiveness mattered to us.

It is essential.

Ephesians 1:7 declares, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our sins, according to the riches of His grace.”

When we are able to forgive, it is transformative. For us and the person forgiven. It might just lead them to Jesus. The pain would have been worth the cost.

[i] Journal of Religion and Health (2022) 61:2819–2837

[ii] https://transform.westernseminary.edu/resources/the-beauty-of-two-nt-greek-words-for-forgiveness#:~:text=There%20are%20two%20Greek%20words,%2C%20charis%2C%20which%20means%20grace.

[iii] https://ethics.utoronto.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/forgiveness-in-Pl-Ar-201005.pdf